Tim Ritenour ([info]timmy_ritz) wrote,
@ 2006-03-31 15:10:00
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Current mood: amused

Jack Bauerisms
I did one for Vin Diesal, so I might as well do one for Jack that a friend sent me. Most of the recycled ones I booted out though.

- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with two bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up their location.

- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

- Jack Bauer once won a game of connect 4 in 3 moves.

- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

- Jack Bauer's favorite color is terror alert red. His second favorite is violet, only because it sounds like violent.

- When you open a can of whoop ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you been doing with your life?

- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for show and tell.

- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

- Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

- Jack Bauer's family threw a surprise birthday party for him when he was a child. Once.


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[info]archangelus
2006-03-31 08:47 pm UTC (link)
That last one is my favorite.

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[info]sugarbabiedoll
2006-04-01 11:53 am UTC (link)
Just too awesome!!! I love the last one, too!

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[info]rogue01
2006-04-09 03:48 am UTC (link)
Heh, loved the first one and the last one is reminiscent of Johnny Dangerously. Good shite.

btw, think u forgot to friend me. =P

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(Anonymous)
2008-03-28 09:53 am UTC (link)
It's no use crying over spilt milk ... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh man, then you are so screwed.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef ... then it's beef.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way, but faster with more deaths.

"You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

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